go. go go go go go. thank god.

mind spinning, spinning. i can't keep up- never could type fast enough. i feel dizzy with thoughts and feelings. i want to be someone. i will. screw everyone if they tell you you cant or you shouldnt. do what you have to do. go. i could scream with joy- i've been waiting for this to come back for oh so long. i feel passion. so much. about what? hell if i know. but its there. flowing through me so fast. if you could only know it.
you've been waiting, i knew you were there, i could feel your shadow in the distance, your eyes upon me when i wasn't looking and now here you are. i hate that you play games with me but i like it when i win- or when i know i'm playing.
i'm sorry to everyone- this cant make any sense. but theres just so much inside of me.
windows are wide open. wind. blowingggg inside.
thank god.
lets go. im not afraid of you. so i'll fall down. there will be ten million people to pick me back up.
you have to do whats right. and this is what right is to me. right?
well i love you. love love love you. god damn it.
and i don't care anymore. if you don't love me back. so be it.
everyone. you are fabulous. lets play.
lest go outside and feel cool air on our skin. can you believe this is real? well it is.
and it is and it is.
oh world. you....

(p.s. tomorrow when i'm upset that i didn't know all of the functional groups... remind me that it doesn't matter. because i still exist and i'm still going to be whoever i want to be

sometimes we are alone, even when there are people touching our every pore. our minds find every nook to escape out of... we seek isolation, sometimes momentarily. sometimes for longer. 

fear. how can we not fear.. the future? the purpose of existence? i have come no closer to finding such answers... and maybe that's the point? 

i just want to lay next to you. all of you. breathing. remembering that i'm alive- that i'm this miracle that comes from a million different cells- some that are by chance. i want to feel everything- but when i feel it i forget how much it hurts. but nothing hurts too, right?

i just want to fly. i want to go somewhere- where its easy to breathe. 

where things are simple. pure. where we are all lost in our dreams. 

i just want to be my dreams.

come with me. we can dip our toes in mud puddles. we can lock eyes with the sun.

stop being cruel and come lie with me. (forever doesn't last)

friends are fabulous.

Thanks- for reminding me what friendship means.
for making me laugh, for not making sense,

making noises, eating soup
thanks for holding my hand when im scared
for pushing me to go to class.
thanks. for being new and feeling old.
one of a kind.
thanks for doing crafts
and drinking tea
sometimes making fun. i need it.
i thrive on you. your energy. your love.

all of you. thank thank thank you.

to the core.

Trying to decide where i am.

and if I wish you were here.

just for me.

i miss smoking on that stoop.

running outside like indians.

i miss mountains.

fresh air.

your smell.

your taste.

i miss babies.

compost bins

your moldy basement

cleaning up beer bottles and burnt pizza crusts

maybe, i don't really miss that.

i miss not knowing any of you.
(i miss suckers at penn station)

pink button up shirts.

card games i cant play

competition

rain.

blow.

family dinners

breaking beds.

sorry.

too much to learn

why is this so stressful
declaring your future on a thin piece of paper
what a silly ritual.
why cant i study the world
why cant my future be on trains
be sounds of drums
the study of microbes
why can't i have it all?
i just want to learn, go on adventures, laugh,
i want to feel good. i want you to feel good.
i want to fill my mind with names of healing herbs
but i dont want to know what kind of molecule makes this element. and moles? no no no. 
i want to grow carrots, radishes, apples, olives
i want to have goats and cows. i want to put my hands in the earth i want to play on city trains and take pictures of old people walking in the snow.
ahhhhh.
why can i only have one? why do we pay so much for this stress

it's a new year.

LAUGHING IS THE BEST

Lets keeping doing that. no exceptions. 

I'll do whatever it takes.