December 12, 2012.

About once a year I go back to the beginning of this blog and I read. and I cry. And a flood of emotions returns to me - all of you return to me. I miss your smells. All of you. Even the ones that don't think so. I miss the laughing and the learning together. I don't know how everything got so far away from that but I'm glad it existed. I'm glad I have those parts of my heart and that I can feel it again, even if it's fleeting. I so wish I could smush against you right now. I wish I knew then what I knew now. Just for a second; Deja Vu from the future. Love is painful and perfect.

We are all in this together.

I'm so proud of you. All of you. For all of the little things, the big things, the moving forward things. We are all together - taking steps.  Patience. Be proud of yourself. Be proud of everyone else. What else are we here for?

forever thing

Having one of those days, weeks, months, years that cannot wait to be turned into a bad memory. could use a push, a hug, a kiss, a miss- anything you can spare- sending it my way sometime today would be much appreciated.


hoping my cardboard companions turn themselves into flesh (feeling foolish for fretting but how can i not.)
just one of those things? a forever thing?


just send me a kiss. (or a miss)

8 pounds of oranges. 

3 boxes of tissues

14 packets of emergen c

6 cups of applesauce

7 robex smoothies

2 sleepless nights

1 puppy

i miss you.

maybe it's because i'm human

or a girl

or maybe it's because i haven't slept in weeks

but all I want to do is curl up and cry

not because i'm sad- how could I be?

look around. its almost spring. everything is changing

growing

it's so beautiful

(i always forget what it smells like,

what the sun feels like beating against my skin)

i want to cry because people move too fast to see all of this

i move to fast

too focused on whats for dinner.

i want to sit still. i want to cry. i want to giggle. 

i want to watch tomatoes grow

on top of a hill

with you. or without you.

but come visit?

.... emotional wreck today....

as soon as i wrote: without you.

mind wandered into a haunted place

what a baby i can become when its dark out.

Skin

I'm not scared- for once in my life. I just feel alive- okay with the fact that the world might explode or implode or stay the same. There's nothing I can do about it except enjoy smushing my face into pillows and laughing while walking up stairs. I want to eat tasty treats and smell spicy foods. Roll around on the grass- feel as much as I can against my skin because one day it won't be there or I won't be able to feel it and to miss out on all this would be a shame.

DNA

alive. scared. full of desire.

Is it in our DNA to behave this way?

love.

foolish. 

but still love.

go. go go go go go. thank god.

mind spinning, spinning. i can't keep up- never could type fast enough. i feel dizzy with thoughts and feelings. i want to be someone. i will. screw everyone if they tell you you cant or you shouldnt. do what you have to do. go. i could scream with joy- i've been waiting for this to come back for oh so long. i feel passion. so much. about what? hell if i know. but its there. flowing through me so fast. if you could only know it.
you've been waiting, i knew you were there, i could feel your shadow in the distance, your eyes upon me when i wasn't looking and now here you are. i hate that you play games with me but i like it when i win- or when i know i'm playing.
i'm sorry to everyone- this cant make any sense. but theres just so much inside of me.
windows are wide open. wind. blowingggg inside.
thank god.
lets go. im not afraid of you. so i'll fall down. there will be ten million people to pick me back up.
you have to do whats right. and this is what right is to me. right?
well i love you. love love love you. god damn it.
and i don't care anymore. if you don't love me back. so be it.
everyone. you are fabulous. lets play.
lest go outside and feel cool air on our skin. can you believe this is real? well it is.
and it is and it is.
oh world. you....

(p.s. tomorrow when i'm upset that i didn't know all of the functional groups... remind me that it doesn't matter. because i still exist and i'm still going to be whoever i want to be

sometimes we are alone, even when there are people touching our every pore. our minds find every nook to escape out of... we seek isolation, sometimes momentarily. sometimes for longer. 

fear. how can we not fear.. the future? the purpose of existence? i have come no closer to finding such answers... and maybe that's the point? 

i just want to lay next to you. all of you. breathing. remembering that i'm alive- that i'm this miracle that comes from a million different cells- some that are by chance. i want to feel everything- but when i feel it i forget how much it hurts. but nothing hurts too, right?

i just want to fly. i want to go somewhere- where its easy to breathe. 

where things are simple. pure. where we are all lost in our dreams. 

i just want to be my dreams.

come with me. we can dip our toes in mud puddles. we can lock eyes with the sun.

stop being cruel and come lie with me. (forever doesn't last)

friends are fabulous.

Thanks- for reminding me what friendship means.
for making me laugh, for not making sense,

making noises, eating soup
thanks for holding my hand when im scared
for pushing me to go to class.
thanks. for being new and feeling old.
one of a kind.
thanks for doing crafts
and drinking tea
sometimes making fun. i need it.
i thrive on you. your energy. your love.

all of you. thank thank thank you.

to the core.

Trying to decide where i am.

and if I wish you were here.

just for me.

i miss smoking on that stoop.

running outside like indians.

i miss mountains.

fresh air.

your smell.

your taste.

i miss babies.

compost bins

your moldy basement

cleaning up beer bottles and burnt pizza crusts

maybe, i don't really miss that.

i miss not knowing any of you.
(i miss suckers at penn station)

pink button up shirts.

card games i cant play

competition

rain.

blow.

family dinners

breaking beds.

sorry.